As well as teaching the ukulele to a few selected students, Tony has recently decided to offer visitors to his website other unique & extraordinary products - apart from his records. Tony's wife (three years into a marketing course) has advised Tony that a wasted youth/life is no impediment to making a bit of money to record his next album. So visitors, for the first time ever, you are invited to spend a lot of money on the following extraordinary products:

"Bullfighting - the Tony Penultimate way" - probably the only correspondence course available in this subject the world. Fight your way up to full matador status in the comfort and safety of your own apartment. You will receive:
· "One-size-fits-all" multi-coloured lycra bullfighters outfit (the famous "suit of lights")
· A plastic sword
· A Bullfighters cape (the celebrated "muleta")
· An Ee-zy step-by-step instruction manual (illustrated) to guide you through the course.
· Three videocassettes (beginners, intermediate, advanced) of terrifying charging bulls.

Here's how it works: crack open the manual on lesson 1, grab your cape and sword, slot the videocassette into your VCR and turn the television on. As the bull charges onscreen, you will be able to practice the passes over the television set and in no time bullfighting and yelling "ole" like a true professional. Note: advanced students are advised to mount the television on a trolley and, with the aid of a friend, have the TV pushed towards them for added realism.

Before long you will be an expert and will receive a congratulary email certificate from Tony. Please note, this course is suitable for vegetarians and costs $5,000.00 (not incl. tax, payable to Tony's Swiss account).

"Feel The Passion - and do it the Penultimate Way" - the new Self help book that everybody's talking about! Yes, you've tried Yoga, Astral Karate and Pilate's and almost fainted with boredom? Now sit down and ask yourself the following questions:

· How would I handle myself in a knife fight in Marseilles against a drunken Senegalese sailor?
· Would I be able to enter a seedy Amsterdam brothel and not get rolled?
· Could I win a crooked poker game against a one-eyed foreign legion deserter, an obese Greek lawyer and an Argentine sea captain?
· Why can't I play the Accordion?

"Feel The Passion - and do it the Penultimate Way" will whisk you away to a magical world of lowlifes, no-hopers and other colourful scumbags and help YOU TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE!
Never again will friends think you're just someone who works in IT!
Please note, this course is not suitable for people of a nervous disposition, price $235.00 (Hardback, not incl. tax and once again payable to Tony's Swiss account)

"The Tony Penultimate GROW-O-MATIC MIND POWER COURSE." Few people who meet Tony can fail to notice his extraordinary height - 6 feet 8 inches in his stockinged feet. What most folks don't realise is that Tony was once a lot shorter - 2 feet 9 nine to be precise, and achieved his phenomenal height through mind control and the awesome power of his personality. Now, visitors are offered the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to grow over a foot taller…..IN A MATTER OF WEEKS! "The Tony Penultimate GROW-O-MATIC MIND POWER COURSE." is available on CD ROM for the incredible knock down price of $20,000 (not incl. tax and payable to Tony's Cayman Islands account).

Tony's Archives:

Naked As Nature Intended
Old Tony Penultimate Video Resurfaces
Berlin and the Best of America
Tony and the Faerie Queen
Tony Visits a Brothel
Bull Fighting The Penultimate Way
Tony and the Tax Man
Soppy and the Sentimentals  
Tony meets Alfred Molina
Autumn Tony
Naughty Tony